“Why Don’t You Just Leave?” – The Complexities of Domestic Abuse Through an IFS Lens

“Why don’t you just leave?”

If you’ve ever been in an abusive or unsafe relationship, chances are you’ve heard this question — maybe from a friend, a family member, or even inside your own head.

And while it might come from a place of concern, it often comes across as incredibly judgmental; sparking a spiral of shame, self-doubt, or a deep sense of being misunderstood.

It assumes that the situation is simple. That leaving is just a matter of packing a bag and walking out the door. But for many, it’s far more complicated than that.

The Inner Conflict

In my work with people who have experienced violence in intimate relationships, one thing is very clear: there is often an internal tug-of-war happening beneath the surface.

There may be:

• Parts that know the behaviour is harmful, manipulative, or even dangerous.

• Parts that long for something different, something safer.

• Parts that still feel love, connection, or loyalty to the person causing harm.

• Parts that carry shame for staying, for hoping, or for not being able to “just leave.”

• Protective parts that are terrified — of what will happen if they go, or of being alone.

• Vulnerable parts that believe this is all they deserve, or that this is just how relationships are.

Each of these parts holds a story. A fear. A need. A history.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a way to compassionately explore these inner voices without shame or pressure. It helps us understand why some parts stay attached, and why others feel frozen, afraid, or conflicted — even when abuse is present.

The Impact of External Judgments

When someone says, “Just leave”, it can unintentionally deepen the shame. It tells the person that they’re failing at something that should be obvious — when in reality, they’re navigating an incredibly complex internal and external situation.

Survivors of abuse are often managing not only physical safety, but also emotional, financial, social, and psychological threats. Sometimes the fear of what will happen after leaving is just as great as what’s happening inside the relationship.

Statements like “Why don’t you just leave?” ignore this complexity and silence the parts of a person that are genuinely scared or confused.

Healing from the Inside Out

In IFS therapy, we don’t rush to fix or force decisions. Instead, we create space for every part of you — the parts that feel stuck, the ones that still hope, the ones that are angry, and the ones that are just trying to survive.

When these parts are seen and heard with compassion, the system can begin to soften. You may start to feel more clarity about what you need, what’s true for you, and what kind of relationship your nervous system feels safe in.

Healing isn’t about pushing away or minimising any of the parts that are connected to the relationship. It’s about understanding why they are there — and helping them feel supported enough to make choices that feel right for you.

You Deserve a Safe Connection

If this resonates with you, know that it makes sense. Your inner system has been doing its best to protect you — even if those strategies can feel confusing or unhelpful at times.

When you're ready, support is available. Together we can gently explore what safety, self-trust, and healing look like for you — at your own pace.