Turning Toward Connection: Why Small Moments Matter

Connection is at the heart of being human. In my practice I see how breakdowns in connection, not having connection modelled in childhood or being caught in unhealthy forms of connection can leave deep imprints. Much of the distress people bring to counselling traces back to a longing for safe, reliable, meaningful bonds with others, whether that is with a parent, a partner, a child, a friend or a colleague.

How we establish and maintain connections is essential to our wellbeing. Our nervous systems are wired for relationship. We thrive when we feel part of a “tribe” and we struggle when those bonds are missing or uncertain. So where do we begin with this essential skillset? And even if we have the basics down, how can we strengthen the relationships that matter most?

One idea that has come from decades of relationship research by John and Julie Gottman is the concept of bids for connection. On the surface bids seem simple. They can be direct like “Would you like to grab lunch together?” or subtle, like a sigh, a comment about the weather or a passing touch on the arm. Bids can show up as opinions, feelings, invitations, gestures or facial expressions. Underneath though, every bid carries the same message: “Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do I matter to you?”

What makes bids so powerful is not just that they happen. It is how we respond. The Gottmans describe three broad ways of responding:

• Turning Toward: meeting the bid with attention or interest.

• Turning Away: ignoring or missing the bid.

• Turning Against: responding with irritation or rejection.

Take a simple example:

• One partner looks out the window and says, “The sky is incredible tonight.”

• If the other replies, “Yes, it’s beautiful,” that is turning toward.

• If the other stays glued to their phone, that is turning away

.• If the other snaps, “Can’t you see I’m busy?” that is turning against.

These moments don’t just affect our thoughts — our bodies register them too. You might notice your nervous system shift when someone turns toward you, away from you or against you. A warm response might bring ease or a sense of openness, while being dismissed or rejected can trigger tension, a quickened heartbeat or a drop in energy. Paying attention to these sensations helps us recognise what feels safe and what feels threatening, giving us clues about our own patterns of connection and protection.

None of us can turn toward every bid. Life is busy and our attention is constantly pulled in many directions. Yet research shows a striking difference between relationships that thrive and those that struggle. Gottman’s research showed some compelling statistics to support the importance of responding to bids. In healthy relationships people turn toward each other’s bids about 86% of the time. In relationships heading for breakdown that number drops to just 33%.

These small everyday moments matter more than we often realise. Think about how a child might feel in different scenarios:

• Your child comes home excited to share something from their day, but you are distracted and do not look up. How might your child feel in this moment?

• Now imagine the same situation met with attention and interest, with your eyes on your child and saying, “Wow, that sounds amazing! Tell me more.” How might your child’s excitement, sense of connection and trust in you grow in response?

Tiny responses ripple out into larger patterns of trust, closeness and self-worth. Turning toward is less about grand gestures and more about showing up, even in small ways. Pausing to listen, noticing a sigh or offering a word of encouragement can all send the message that someone matters. Over time these micro-moments build the foundation of secure, resilient relationships.

I invite you to start to pay attention in your relationships. Notice the bids for connection that come your way from a partner, child, friend or colleague. How often are you turning toward, and how often are you missing the moment? You may be surprised at how much difference a small shift in presence can make.