The One Technique That Can Change the Direction of Almost Any Difficult Conversation: Connect before you redirect

How this one simple shift in communication can transform your relationships — at home and at work.

Most of us know the feeling of being met with frustration or defensiveness in the middle of a conversation — especially when emotions are running high. We’ve usually prepared ourselves to problem-solve, clarify, or correct… but something often gets missed. And that something is connection.

As Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson highlight in their work on interpersonal neurobiology and brain development, when we’re dysregulated, our brains are focused on safety rather than solutions. In these moments, trying to reason or redirect often falls flat. The most effective way forward is to connect first, to help both ourselves and the other person feel seen, safe, and regulated before addressing the problem.

A moment at home: two different nervous system responses

Alex comes home to find their toddler pulling every container out of the cupboard while their partner, Jamie, is scrolling on their phone nearby. Tired and frustrated, Alex snaps: "Are you seriously just sitting there while he’s making a mess? Can you please just help for once?"

Jamie’s shoulders tense. Their tone sharpens: "I’ve been dealing with him all day. I sat down for two minutes. Why do you always assume I’m doing nothing?"

Both nervous systems are now in threat mode — heart rates rising, tension growing. The conversation shifts into blame and defensiveness.

But imagine a different version — one that starts with connection.

Alex pauses and says: "Hey, it looks like it’s been a full-on day here. You okay?"

Jamie sighs with relief: "Yeah, he’s been wild all day. I just needed a breather."

Alex nods: "Totally get that. I’m feeling pretty done too. Can we tag team the cleanup and get him settled?"

In this version, connection comes first — and it changes everything. The nervous system softens. The conversation becomes cooperative instead of combative. It's not that the frustration disappears, but the way it's expressed and received is transformed.

And of course, it could have gone another way too — even if Alex had snapped, Jamie might still have responded with connection instead of defence. In any relationship, either person can make the move to connect first. That’s where the real power lies.

In the workplace: when defensiveness shows up

You’ve prepared for a meeting with a team member whose performance has been slipping. You’ve set a clear agenda. You start by outlining the concerns, and immediately hear: “I wasn’t given clear instructions.”

Your nervous system flares. It’s tempting to reply: “I sent very clear instructions in Tuesday’s email.”

But here’s the thing: a part of the person in front of you likely already knows they’ve missed the mark. That’s why the defensiveness is showing up. Rather than go back and forth on who’s right, there’s another way.

Try connecting first: “It sounds like the directions weren’t totally clear to you.”

Then pause. Let it land. Give their nervous system a moment to settle. Once there’s a little more space, redirect with clarity: “Let’s go back over the email from Tuesday and pinpoint where things may have been missed.”

Connection here doesn’t mean agreement — and it doesn’t mean lowering expectations. It’s simply acknowledging the other person’s experience enough to open the door to a more productive, grounded conversation.

This small shift can regulate the dynamic enough to move forward with both empathy and accountability — rather than getting stuck in a tug of war.

Connect before you redirect

Whether we’re parenting, partnering, or leading, our ability to stay connected in the face of challenge is what turns difficult conversations into opportunities for growth — rather than power struggles.

Try it out. Next time you notice defensiveness rising — in someone else or in yourself — pause. Offer connection first. Then redirect.

It might be the smallest shift that makes the biggest difference.