When Strategies Don't Stick

Why Understanding Your Inner Parts Matters More Than 'Doing It Right'

Have you ever heard a psychological strategy and thought, “Yes, that makes sense… so why can’t I just do it?” Or maybe you have tried a suggestion, found it helpful for a period of time, and then slipped back into old patterns that feel oddly powerful or automatic.

This is something I hear from clients all the time. And it is not because you lack willpower, motivation, or insight. It is because strategies often speak to the mind, but they do not speak to the parts of you that are actually in charge in those moments.

When Protective Parts Take Over, Strategies Stop Working

Internal Family Systems, or IFS, offers a simple, grounded explanation that makes sense even to people who have never heard of the model before.

We all have a true self. This is not a part, but a steady and compassionate presence within us. It holds qualities like curiosity, clarity, calmness, and kindness. It is the version of you that feels most like you.

Alongside this true self we all have parts, each shaped by experience. Some plan and organise. Some keep us pleasing or performing. Others withdraw, numb, or react quickly to protect us.

These parts are not the problem. They are doing their best to keep you safe based on what you have lived through.

But when a protective part takes over, even with good intentions, it can overwhelm your system. In those moments it becomes very hard to access your true self, the place where you naturally feel grounded and capable.

And this is exactly when strategies stop working.

Why You Can Know What To Do And Still Not Do It

If you have ever thought:

• “I know the grounding technique but I freeze anyway.”

• “I have been told to challenge my thoughts, but it feels impossible.”

• “I get resistant whenever someone gives me advice, even advice I agree with.”

• “I just feel ashamed that I cannot do what I should be able to do.”

Those reactions are not failures. They are signals.

A protective part may be stepping in, trying to manage fear, overwhelm, or vulnerability in the only way it knows how. No strategy can override a part that does not feel safe yet.

When Strategies Create Shame Instead Of Change

This is why some approaches can accidentally increase shame:

You hear the strategy. You understand it. You agree with it. But you cannot make it stick.

Then an inner critic steps in: “You should know better. Why are you still like this?”

IFS sees this differently. It is not a lack of effort or motivation. It is simply that a protective part has not been understood yet and is not ready to step back.

What Makes IFS Different

IFS does not begin with “try this strategy.” It begins with curiosity:

Which part is activated right now?

What is it afraid will happen if it steps back?

What is it trying to protect you from?

What does it need you to know?

When parts feel acknowledged and understood, not pushed aside, they often soften. They do not need to work so hard. And when that happens, something important becomes available again:

Your true self, the calm and compassionate presence that is not a part, but the steady centre within you.

From this place, strategies finally make sense. They are no longer tools to fix or silence anything. They become gentle supports that arise from what you truly need, rather than pressure or a sense of “should.”

We Are All Good At Our True Self

This is one of the most hopeful messages in IFS:

You are not made of flaws. You are not broken. You are not failing.

You are a person with a true self that is naturally steady, calm, and wise and with parts that have taken on intense roles to protect you.

Healing is not about doing more. It is about understanding these parts so they do not have to work so hard. And when they soften, your true self has room to lead.

That is where real, sustainable change begins.