When Curiosity Is More Helpful Than Calming Down

Why calming down doesn’t always last — and what can help instead

Many people come to therapy having tried a range of ways to manage how they’re feeling.

Breathing exercises. Mindfulness. Movement. Distraction. Regulation strategies.

And while these approaches can be genuinely helpful, many people find themselves asking a quieter question underneath it all: Why doesn’t this last?

From this place, explaining to yourself what happened or trying to calm yourself down is rarely enough to settle the system.

That’s because not all distress is something to be reduced or regulated away. Sometimes it’s information.

We are constantly scanning our environment for threat. This happens automatically, whether we’re aware of it or not. Over time, our experiences shape how our nervous system makes sense of the world and what it decides requires protection.

This is why two people can go through the same situation and have very different responses.

For one person, a job loss might be stressful but manageable. They may be able to take in the context, remind themselves it isn’t personal and move into problem-solving mode.

For another, the same event might activate earlier experiences of rejection, failure or not being good enough. Their system responds accordingly, trying to protect them from a familiar kind of pain. This can show up as intense distress, shutdown, avoidance or a return to coping patterns that once helped, even if they now create other challenges or further distress.

From this position, reasoning with yourself or trying to force calm is unlikely to work. The nervous system isn’t responding to logic — it’s responding to meaning.

The same patterns often show up in relationships.

You might notice a surge of tension before a difficult conversation, a flat or disconnected feeling when you’re with people you care about, or a wave of shame after snapping at your children. On the surface, these reactions can feel confusing or out of proportion. Underneath, they are often protective responses shaped by earlier experiences.

This is where curiosity becomes more useful than calming down.

Rather than asking, How do I make this stop? a different question might be, What is this response trying to do for me right now?

When reactions are met with curiosity rather than frustration, space opens up to understand what you are responding to, and what might be needed now. This doesn’t mean analysing yourself endlessly or reliving the past. It means recognising that these responses developed for a reason.

Over time, being met with understanding rather than pressure to change can reduce the intensity of these patterns. Not because they’ve been eliminated, but because they no longer need to work quite so hard.

Many people live with a persistent sense that something isn’t quite right, even when life looks fine from the outside. Working with a therapist can offer a steady space to explore these patterns safely and at your own pace.

Not to fix yourself — but to better understand what’s been shaping your inner experience and your relationships.