Name It To Tame It

Why putting words to big feelings can calm the chaos — for kids and adults alike.

Ever noticed how just putting a feeling into words can take the edge off?Whether you’re naming your own anxiety before a meeting or helping a child say they’re sad instead of slamming the door, something shifts when we name what’s going on inside.

It turns out, there’s solid science behind this idea.

Dr. Dan Siegel — psychiatrist and co-author of The Whole-Brain Child — introduced a concept called “Name It to Tame It.” It’s based on what happens in the brain when we’re emotionally overwhelmed.

And it’s one of the simplest, most effective ways to support emotional regulation.

This idea — that naming our emotions helps regulate them — also shows up in many therapeutic approaches, including Internal Family Systems (IFS), which I often draw on in my work.

What does “Name It to Tame It” mean?

When we're triggered — whether by fear, frustration, shame, or sadness — our nervous system goes into protection mode. That can look like yelling, shutting down, withdrawing, snapping, or completely blanking out.

In those moments, the thinking part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) often goes offline, and the emotional brain (the amygdala) takes over.But when we name what we’re feeling, something remarkable happens:The act of labelling an emotion activates the thinking brain, helping us feel more regulated and in control.

It’s not about fixing the feeling. It’s about making enough space to be with the feeling — without being overtaken by it.

It’s Not Just Behaviour — It’s Communication

Your child comes home from school and something’s off. They slam their bag down, snap at their sibling, or disappear into their room without a word. They’re irritable, avoidant, or not quite themselves.

You feel the urge rise — to correct, to ask what’s going on, to bring things back to “normal.”

Your nervous system picks up on the shift in energy. For some parents, it triggers frustration — a sense that their child is being rude or non-compliant. For others, it sparks worry — What’s wrong? Why are they acting like this? Often, it’s both. We want to fix it, settle it, restore the sense of connection we feel when our child is calm, regulated, and easier to read.

This is a very human response. When our child’s behaviour feels unpredictable or emotionally charged, our own nervous system often reacts in kind.

But what happens if, instead of moving straight into correction or problem-solving, we pause — and regulate ourselves first?

A slow breath. A softer tone. An internal reminder: This might not be about the bag or the attitude — something’s likely going on underneath.

Then you offer connection: “You seem really frustrated right now.” “I wonder if something hard happened today?” “I’m noticing you’re really quiet — I’m here if you need me.”

These moments of attunement help your child’s nervous system take a cue from yours. When a parent’s presence matches the child’s emotional need — not their behaviour — it creates safety. And when children feel safe, they’re more able to access the part of their brain that can reflect, name emotions, and eventually regulate.

It works for adults, too

You might not throw a tantrum in the hallway (or maybe you do — no judgment), but the same principle applies. When you're flooded with emotion, even silently naming the feeling can help bring your nervous system back into balance:

“I’m feeling really anxious right now.” “This part of me is really angry — it feels tight in my chest.” “There’s a part that feels ashamed and wants to hide.”

This idea — of noticing and naming your inner experience — is also central to a therapeutic model called Internal Family Systems (IFS). IFS invites us to get to know the different “parts” of ourselves, each carrying their own feelings, needs, and protective strategies.

Rather than becoming overwhelmed by an emotion, you learn to notice: A part of me feels this way. That subtle shift creates space. You’re not consumed by the feeling — you’re relating to it with curiosity and care. And often, that’s enough to begin softening the intensity.

Why it works

• It builds awareness, which is the first step to change.

• It brings the thinking brain back online.

• It helps us co-regulate with others instead of escalating.

• It teaches children (and ourselves) that all feelings are valid — and manageable.

It’s not about perfection

This doesn’t mean you need to name every feeling in real time or always respond calmly (we’re all human). But even returning to the moment later and saying:

“You were feeling really frustrated earlier, weren’t you?” “I think a part of me felt overwhelmed and I took it out on you — I’m sorry.”

…can help repair and model emotional intelligence in powerful ways.

The goal isn’t to avoid big feelings — it’s to create a relationship with them. So next time you feel the swirl of emotion rising — or see it in someone you love — pause.Take a breath. And name it.

It just might be the first step toward taming it.