Parenting Beyond Your Childhood Experience

Parenting can be full of surprises. Even when you enter it with love, intention and the best of plans, there are moments that feel harder than you expected. A child’s tantrum, a plea for comfort or a simple request for attention can stir emotions you did not anticipate. You may notice yourself reacting in ways that feel out of proportion or patterns in your responses that you wish were different.

Ghosts in the Nursery

Selma Fraiberg described how our own childhood experiences can quietly resurface in the ways we parent, a concept she called Ghosts in the Nursery. These “ghosts” or patterns from our own childhood continue to influence how we respond to our children often without conscious awareness.

Whether a caregiver’s approach was warm or inconsistent, loving or absent, it can echo in us long after we have left childhood behind. Recognising these patterns is the first step to understanding the ways our past shapes our present parenting.

When Childhood Patterns Appear

Sometimes these patterns appear as strong reactions to ordinary situations. A child’s anger might awaken old feelings of being unheard. A child’s sadness or neediness might bring up discomfort or restlessness that belonged to your younger self. Even with the conscious intention to parent differently, the ways you learned to cope in your own childhood can surface automatically.

Other times these patterns are more subtle. You might notice giving too much to your child at the expense of your own needs or holding back emotionally because expressing feelings feels unsafe or uncomfortable. Repeated patterns of criticism, perfectionism or over-responsibility may also mirror what you learned as a child.

Nervous System Awareness in Parenting

Our nervous system carries a record of early experiences. What feels familiar to us, safe or unsafe, calm or chaotic, is stored in our bodies, not just in our conscious memory. This is why a child’s anger, sadness or neediness can trigger reactions that feel automatic or out of proportion.

When our nervous system senses something familiar, it often responds first before our rational mind can step in. That might look like irritability, withdrawal, over-responsiveness or anxiety. Recognising these bodily cues, such as tension, heart rate changes, shallow breathing or restlessness, is a way to notice when old patterns are surfacing.

Pausing to tune into your body can help you respond rather than react. Deep breaths, grounding or gentle self-talk can help regulate your nervous system and allow you to engage with your child from a place of presence and calm rather than reactivity.

The Drive to Do Better

Many parents who grew up with unmet needs feel a strong drive to provide for their children what they themselves did not receive. This motivation can be a powerful force for change. It can inspire more presence, patience and care than you may have thought possible.

At the same time, it can be exhausting. Parenting from this place is not about perfection. It is about noticing, repairing and responding with awareness when old patterns surface.

Building Awareness and Compassion

Attachment research shows that secure attachment is built not by avoiding mistakes but by repairing after them. Pausing, noticing your reactions and returning to your child with warmth teaches them that relationships can recover even when they feel strained.

Caring for your own needs is equally essential. Seeking support, practising self-care and reflecting on your own experiences helps you show up with more presence. Compassion for yourself is not indulgence; it is the foundation for compassion towards your child.

Breaking the Cycle

Parenting beyond your childhood experience is an act of courage. It asks you to face your own history while creating something new for your family. The process may be messy and imperfect but it is also deeply healing. By acknowledging your story and tending to your child’s needs, you can begin to break patterns and build a new legacy of connection for your children and for yourself.